This is a guest post from two of our favorite podcasters Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo. Tony and Alisa are co-authors of the Amazon bestsellers The 6 Pillars of Intimacy®, The Trust Factor, Connect Like You Did When You First Met, and The 7 Days of Sex Challenge. They write, podcast, and coach couples around the world on the topics of sex, love, and commitment.
Craving more passion and pleasure? These myths could be getting in your way.
Let's talk about the beliefs quietly sabotaging your sex life. You know the ones: those thoughts that whisper, “If we were really in love, this would be easier,” or “Something must be wrong with us.”
Most sexual struggles occur not because the relationship is doomed but because you’re both believing lies that set impossible standards. These myths create tension, disappointment, and disconnection in bedrooms everywhere.
The good news is that once you identify these myths, you can replace them with real solutions that actually work!
Below are the five most common lies couples believe about sex and the truth you need to know instead.
Myth #1: “Spontaneous Sex Is Better Than Scheduled Sex”
Still think planned sex can’t be passionate? Let’s be honest: If you’re always expecting spontaneous sex, you’re probably not experiencing it as much as you would like. This isn’t the movies, after all.
The truth: Planning and anticipation actually enhance sexual intimacy.
Try it this week:
- Discuss what days and times work best in this season of life.
- Put sex on your calendar.
- Once scheduled, commit to showing up both physically and mentally.
Myth #2: “Using Lubrication Means Something Is Wrong with Our Sex Life, Intimacy, or Attraction”
The word "lube" can trigger all kinds of reactions. Some couples think, "Yes, that's helpful" while others cringe and think, "Gross.” Or worse, they feel like something’s wrong with them.
The truth: Needing or wanting lube is NOT an indication that there’s anything wrong with you, your body, or your relationship.
There are plenty of great reasons for using lube during sex:
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Dryness happens: Menstrual cycles, hormones, medications, and countless other factors affect natural lubrication.
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More quickies: Sometimes you want each other NOW and don't have 30 minutes for extended foreplay.
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New sexual adventures: Shower sex? Hot tub? Different positions? Lube makes it all more enjoyable.
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Pleasure over pain: Why experience discomfort when you don't have to?
Let’s face it: no one enjoys dry friction. That’s why überlube is our go-to recommendation. It’s a simple way to enhance the sexual experience for both of you!
Myth #3: “Successful Sex Always Ends in Orgasm”
This kind of pressure hurts sexual confidence and connection, especially when aging, hormones, or health changes are at play.
The truth: Orgasm is one possible outcome, but it’s not the only measure of success.
You both get to define what sexual success means:
- What creates closeness and connection for you?
- What feels good in the moment?
Remember: sexual intimacy is about more than just intercourse. Manual stimulation, oral sex, and sensual massage all count, too.
Myth #4: “My Spouse Should Just Know What I Want”
One of the most common sexual myths is that your spouse should be a mind reader. It shows up in thoughts like…
"If my husband really loved me, he'd know that I need more foreplay."
“If my wife was really attracted to me, she'd know I want her to initiate sometimes.”
When your spouse doesn't magically "just know," you feel frustrated and rejected. That's not the foundation for great sexual intimacy.
The truth: You need to be specific about what you want, when you want it, and where.
Here’s what to try instead:
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Get specific: Share what touches and movements bring you pleasure.
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Practice vulnerability: Talking about your desires deepens emotional intimacy, not just sexual intimacy.
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Listen and learn: When your spouse shares their preferences, they're not critiquing you. They're giving you a gift!
You both deserve to know how to love each other well. That starts with using your words.
Myth #5: “If We Have Problems in the Bedroom, Our Marriage Is Broken”
This final myth keeps couples from getting help when they need it most. Sexual challenges don’t mean your marriage is doomed.
The truth: Most sexual issues are symptoms of deeper challenges in other areas of your marriage.
- Instead of panicking, ask “What else is going on?” It could be high stress, poor communication patterns, or physical health challenges.
- Address root issues, not just the sexual intimacy symptoms.
- Get help early to prevent minor challenges from becoming big problems.
When you strengthen other areas of your marriage, sexual intimacy often improves naturally.
Your Next Step
Ready to learn more about how to strengthen your marriage?
The ONE Extraordinary Marriage Show is a weekly podcast dedicated to helping you strengthen communication, build trust, and create deep intimacy in your marriage.
In each episode you'll discover tools, resources, and strategies to overcome challenges in all areas of your marriage - from emotional connection to sexual intimacy and beyond.
Listen to The ONE Extraordinary Marriage Show on your favorite podcast app today.
Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo
ONE Extraordinary Marriage
Tony and Alisa are the co-authors of the Amazon bestseller The 6 Pillars of Intimacy®
and the 7 Days of Sex Challenge book. They write, podcast, and coach couples around
the world. Married since 1996, they believe that the healthy combination of sex, love,
and commitment is more than the foundation of a strong marriage… it’s the glue that will
keep a marriage together. Together, they have a son and a daughter and live in Estero,
Florida.
